Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
