My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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