Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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