Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Dicks are not precious.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
