Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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