I wanna bring you to show and tell
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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