Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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