Got a toothbrush?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
