I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
