I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
