I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
