Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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