I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
