allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
