I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
