I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
