i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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