I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
