what day is it and did you see me today?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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