I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
