Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
