I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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