i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
