i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
