well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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