Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
