just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
