I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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