Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
