drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
