I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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