What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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