All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
