I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
