From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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