Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
