Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
