And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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