good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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