Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I just found puke in my bra..
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
