So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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