did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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