Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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