new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
