You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
high people should be assigned attendants
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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