i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
If I die, sorry about rent.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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