My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
