seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
