Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
