Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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