I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
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