i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
