I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize