I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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