hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
