I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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