Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
