im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
