I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My dick has a subreddit
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
