No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
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