she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
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