What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
